My emotional roller coaster...letting out my insides

My emotional roller coaster...letting out my insides
I'm trying to let go of some of what I'm feeling. A lot of emotions will be shown here.

So before finding out about Coleman's heart defect, I was super scared to become a mom. I was scared for the huge change that was coming. Scared of taking care of a little person that depends on me. I was even scared I may not have enough love to give. I told Matt all the time, "I'm scared". I was scared I wouldn't be a good mom, maybe I wasn't cut out for it. I wanted a baby, I was just scared.
All of those emotions feel silly now. Since we found out about Coleman's heart, it all changed. I have felt a huge need to take care of my baby. To love him and protect him and fight for his life. Matt and I are his chance at life. (One option doctors will give parents with HLHS babies is to terminate, the baby won't live without the surgery. How could someone do that?) I feel like it's my place to kind of 'give him a voice'. Matt and I both are going to fight to keep our baby. Matt says, "I'm going to fight to keep my boy." and it always makes me smile. I feel like I love Coleman so much more now. I'm still scared of the change that's coming. But I'm the most scared for my son's life before we even really get to know him. I'm scared he may not make it. I'm sad that he has to go through what he does. He's just so little.
I feel sad that Coleman comes into the world and gets prodded, cut open, ribs cracked, insides open, the pain he will be in recovering. It all breaks my heart. A baby should be comforted after being born and shown the world is a good place to be. My baby gets somewhat tortured and has to fight to live. I know he won't remember surgery when he's older, but that doesn't stop me from being sad about it now. I know he has to have the surgery to live, but I wish he didn't have to. It's not fair.
It's not fair I don't get to take my baby home from the hospital like most people do. I may not get to hold my baby when he's born. He won't be in the same room with me after delivery. He has to be hooked up to lines and medicine right from birth so his heart won't fail right away. He has to go through so much between surgery and recovery. I have to watch him endure all of this. I have to be ok with all of this and give permission to cut my baby open and crack his ribs open that he just formed in my womb. I won't get to hold him for what will seem like an eternity to me. I will be scared to hold him when I am able to because he will look so fragile and gone through so much already. I won't get to feed him. We don't get to take him home and complain about all the gross newborn diapers we have to change. The little things. It's not fair.

It's not fair. There's so many people around us having babies, all perfectly healthy. And I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But it's not fair. We never thought our baby would be going through all of this. We were shocked to find out about it. You think things like this won't happen to you. But it happened to us. And I'm put in the position again of asking God, "Why? Have I not been through enough?" And then I wonder why God would give anyone a baby like this. One that won't live unless the baby has surgery. What if the surgery didn't exist? Does God want us to keep this baby? These are things that come into my head. Obviously God has a plan for Coleman. We're praying God has a plan for him and that he gets to grow up and have a life. I feel guilty questioning these things knowing it's God's plan. God picked us to be Coleman's parents. He knows we can do this. We can handle this and we'll get through it. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be a long road and it's going to be really hard sometimes, but I think God knows we can do this. God doesn't give you things you can't handle. Again, it's not fair, but it could be worse. We are still blessed to have what we have. We just want and pray to keep our little boy. Something that some people have told me, "God only gives special babies to special people."

I follow and read some stories on HLHS babies and families. It helps me know what to expect and not be surprised. It helps me to be prepared for everything to come. I don't look things up online anymore because I would come across sad and scary things. But I still follow these families and babies. Sometimes one will come up that the baby doesn't make it. (I don't go looking for these things, so please don't lecture me.) After reading things like that I feel so sad. I feel so sad for the family and the baby. I always think these families were probably just as hopeful and prayed as much as we are. It becomes real that it can happen to us. I get so down. I'm on the verge of tears all day. Imagining losing my baby, it's an awful and sad thing. People always tell me, "You can't think like that. You have to be positive.". Well I think I do a pretty good job at being positive the majority of the time, but I just can't be ALL the time. I just can't do it. People tell me I'm a strong person, and that makes me feel good. But I can't be strong all the time. I'm scared for my baby's life. I want to keep him. As I said in another post, I think it would be wrong not be upset about it. It's frustrating at the same time because no one understands what I'm feeling. People tell me to calm down and be strong, but I know they just don't know how I feel. If they were in my position they would be scared and crying too. I have connected with a couple of mom's who have gone through this or are going through this and it's nice to talk to someone who understands. Someone I can vent to and they don't just tell me "it'll be ok" like most people do. It's just not ok. It's not ok my baby has to fight to live. He gets taken away from me at birth and cut open. He has to be in pain and recover from the surgery. And even after the surgery, he still may not make it.

I feel so much more connected to Coleman now and love feeling him wiggle inside. He feels stronger everyday and that makes me happy. He will be strong and needs to be strong. I look at and rub my belly saying "I love you Coleman and we'll fight for you"
I'm just a new mommy loving and protecting and worrying for her baby. How can I be so positive and strong all the time? I'm naturally worried and scared for my baby. We love him so much already.

These are just a few of the things that go through my head that break me down and I cry about. I will make another post letting go of even more emotions another day.

There's not very many things people can tell me to make me feel better. I think people don't know what to say to me most of the time. That's ok. I understand. Just telling me you'll pray for me and Matt and Coleman is the best thing. I love the love and support we get. And I really appreciate the prayers. So please pray for us. It's the best thing anyone could do.